I Can

This past month has been exciting and challenging on many fronts.  I'm a new mom.  Exciting and challenging in itself. My body is adjusting back to a non-pregnant state, and I'm recovering from a c-section. What I did not anticipate was how challenging the emotional recovery from the c-section and birth experience would be. 

Some may stop me at this point and remind me that I have a healthy and happy (sometimes) baby boy. Others may tell me I'm hormonal, overtired, or having a bad day. 

These may be all true to an extent, but the bottom line is that the birth experience I had was one of the biggest, if not the biggest, disappointments of my life. Don't get me wrong, I thank God everyday for my son. I love him. Adore him. Can't wait up to wake up in the morning to see him. But, I'm grieving at the same time. 

I spent nearly 10 months preparing emotionally and physically for the labor and arrival of my baby. As a trainer, i got certified in pre-natal and post-natal exercise. I worked out until the day I went into labor. I ate right. I read countless books on pregnancy and childbirth. I prayed.  Everyone told me it would be a piece of cake. 

When I was unable to push Cole out, I felt like a failure. What had I done wrong? Why wasn't I strong enough? Should I have asked my doctors and nurses more questions? Done more research? Done more kegels? What was different about me than the countless other women who have had successful vaginal deliveries? 

I cried through the entire c-section.  I cried after.  When my son was born, I wasn't he first to hold him. I saw him, but wasn't allowed to touch him. I wasn't the first to feed him (neither was Brad). The nurse brought him by my head for me to give him a kiss, and I didn't see him or hold him for at least another hour. 

To my surprise, this has all had a huge impact on my since we've been home. The feelings of failure, regret, and anger have lingered. I didn't expect to feel so thankful for my sweet boy and to feel so cheated at the same time. 

It wasn't until I found ICAN (International Cesarean Awareness Network) that I realized that these feelings are NORMAL after an unplanned c-section. There are other women out there who feel just like I do.  

I attended my first ICAN meeting tonight. I was hesitant about going, and even was unsure once I got there, but once I started to hear the women's stories and shared mine, I felt like a huge weight had been lifted from my shoulders. 

Each woman shared a similar experience to mine.  I walked away not feeling discouraged, as I have since coming home, but hopeful.  

I met several women who have had successful vaginal deliveries after cesareans. 

I met moms to be, and I met a woman who was able to heal from her unplanned c-section with her second, planned c-section. 

I trust God, and know that Cole's arrival into this world was part of His plan. 

I may not understand why things happened the way they did, and I know I will likely continue to struggle with my experience, but for now, I'm thankful that something like ICAN exists to help me through the bad days. 

Thanks, ladies. 

 

And Cole, for the 80238492th time today, Mommy loves you.